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self

I have had to reconsider a lot over the past few years and i've come to terms with the fact that I don't really like myself. A lot of people struggle to love themselves and that fact almost feels insulting because somewhere in my head I've rationalized that I self-hate to protect other people. I'm sure that feeling self-righteous in self-hatred is essentially the neurotic narcissists Nutcracker ballet. I've spent a lot of time trying to end that show, but the show must go on and on, and there's always an encore, a Q&A with the director after the show, and a show every night.

I have noticed though that when I look inside myself things turn to chaos. I fixate on my emotions and I get sucked up into them, because that's all vacuums do, and that's all emotions are; so I've determined that your self concept, in terms of emotions, doesn't matter at all if you can learn to think with your actions. I've been panicky for the past few days, I've skipped classes, become incredibly useless at work, and it's all because I fixate on my emotions. So writing this is the beginning of a series actions for me; crisis averted.

Chaos is going to happen regardless, I'm the one deciding to pay attention to any of it. Writing is cleaning, every keypress brooms off the dust, where it was content to sit. So, do anything, say anything, it doesn't matter so it all matters, just don't be a vacuum. Look at the world and let things jump out to you. The god inside you doesn't care for an intention, it can only observe the action.

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