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The Internetizen Takes a Break

I think I'm getting off my phone for a while.

It's been a very lazy Saturday afternoon, one spent almost entirely in a funk--which has become increasingly the norm more than ever, alarmingly. Usually what I do in the midst of a funk is while casually ignoring it, allow myself to go about my day and wonder about all of the reasons I could have ended up in this place. A smarter version of myself would have answers from a much more articulated self-awareness, but I tend to fall towards either grandiosity or triviality, which is to say, "I'm just the biggest piece of trash, is why..." or "Well if you hadn't skipped breakfast, you'd be fine...".

Stomach mumbling away to itself, I went along through my usual morning, having my usual scripted back-and-forth with my dad; him laying out the things I would need to do today, things I would lose track of and inevitably skip doing once it was too late for me to both do them and arrive on time to my early appointment for a haircut. An appointment, to which, I did not arrive early. Considering my funk, as I normally do, somewhere on the blurred periphery of my awareness, I had figured maybe scheduling a haircut could start me on the right track. This is what I was thinking when my dad was listing out the things.

11:30am came around as rain pounded on my windshield, I was belting along to some Kesha and still 10 minutes away from the salon. 11:43ish came around and I pulled in, 13 minutes late, truly a piece of garbage, but one about to be pampered despite his rudeness, and pampered I was. After 20ish minutes of clipping and shear-fisted attempts at connecting, I paid for my new dew, apologized for the nth time for my being late, and stepped back out into the rain, with $30 less, the same man with a new haircut to be drenched; still funky.

After this past year, being one of the worst of my life because of vocal nodules, changing my major to something that actually interests me but am objectively not suited for intellectually, and gaining weight, It is unsafe to say I have developed bad habits, but it's certainly the truth. I'm stressed and cope by eating, but I'm petrified of gaining weight so I stress-eat to combat it and every day consists of gaining weight and losing my mind, little by little--and it has made me realize that in the game of self-perception, the only way to win is to be unaware or completely self-absorbed, and I could teach a master class on ignoring problems.

So there I was sitting with my brand new haircut and too-familiar funk, caught in the gravity of a YouTube black hole, hoping the content would keep me from feeling so sick but each video I clicked on felt like swallowing another marble. Something was wrong, and I needed to stop, but self-awareness is no simple thing. The You, that you must be aware of is something to contend with, an especially shocking concept for me. I don't really know who I am so I default to a generally bubbly and kind person that is most likeable to my peers. I don't really know who I am at all, but the side of me that feels things and is real, I worry about, because for the most part I think he's slow and that's his problem, the rest of the world moves at the lightning-fast pace of conversation, and he speaks a dead-language. It's not that I don't want to be genuine, but translating ones own reality is hard to do when it's much easier to be sucked into someone else's.

I lack a lot of self-understanding, I suppose, not I suppose, I'm certain, it's my biggest fear. When people like me, I'm afraid to tarnish that. Who am I to say they're wrong? I wouldn't like to be brazenly selfish, but I guess I am by character, I like how I feel when people like me more than I like being myself or working to better myself, it's easier and that sucks. I am late everywhere I go, I forget things I need to do, I'm ungrateful for the luxury of being unaware and I'm a mess, so I guess it's not ironic the blog is called relaxidaisical.

I had to close about 6 different tabs before opening up this one to write this, it's turned into more of a rant, but the gist of what brought me here to this particular tab, is that I found something that, as they say, struck a chord (those idioms only every make perfect sense when you experience the anachronisms that describe them and suddenly the phrase just pops into your mind, it's amazing). I was in my funk, watching this video about what it's like to wake up at 5am every day, and I felt like I was seeing color, like the part of me that wanted to be heard so badly, that part that really is me, was being heard. Which sounds dumb when you just hear the concept, but all the problems I've expressed were expressed in the video. The dude talks about being tired all the time, and I honestly was at work the other day yawning and thinking to myself, "this doesn't make sense, I've been consistently getting 8-10 hours of sleep" and I don't know if this will solve things, but I'm going to blog through it all.


TANGENT
I imagine being human is like being on a caving expedition, not that I, nor likely you, have been on one, but I said 'I imagine' so bare with me. Imagine you have your cave, you're all the way in the depths of your cave and I'm in the depths of mine. When we communicate we just kind of shout to each other from our separate caves and describe everything around us. Most people do a lot of work exploring, they swing around on their ropes, make lovely little nets, build a home really, and light up their cave so they can see everything there is to see, maybe they wished they had some more space here and there, but they love their cave and recognize it is their home. I'm sitting in mine with the light off, and I'm just listening to everyone else shout about their caves, and imagining that's probably what it's like around me, it's certainly easier than actually learning for myself, that takes skill development, I have to create fire before I can see anything down here. I'd rather hear the stories from those who've made it there and back again, because when someone shouts to me to ask what's going on in my cave, I've learned the gist of what's happening for everyone else and can say, "yeah, lot's of stuff down here, really. Tons! You'd love it!" and then I'm afraid when they seem to like my cave, because I know it's not true, I've lied to them, but I'm so used to it, I don't know where to begin to tell the truth.

BACK TO IT
So tonight is the first night of me going to bed early and waking up at 5 am, this will be interesting, I told my Google Home to set my alarm so I'm trusting her to not let me down.

I spent the evening trying to be productive and get back to myself. I tried to finish a small app project that still isn't working for some ungodly reason, which is always a frustrating thing to come back to. But I learned a lot and fixed some of the bugs, so overall it was worth the time. I'm trying to go as tech-minimal as I can. turned off my phone, in fact it's plugged in downstairs and away from me, I won't be spending any time before bed on my laptops, so I'm typing this on my desktop which I don't count as cheating because the experience is different.

Another tangent, I think desktop computers are underrated, yes they're incredibly bulky, but there's something calming about having this tower that processes everything away from you and then serving it up on a cool and quiet display, rather than having a laptop with everything condensed into a tiny package that whirs away, like a tiny metal box of chaos. My desk is stable and unaffected, it feels somewhat like it's own ecosystem. I love it. I also pared things down so I'm only using one monitor, and it's an older monitor with a 4:3 aspect ratio. It feels nice, it feels like me. Anyway.

When I wake up I'm not going to check my phone until 8am, so I'll probably get up and make coffee, grab my kindle and go read, haven't decided what yet. Hopefully I will have to courage to go with decaf. We'll see.

Also, I went for a walk right before the sun went down, again, trying to find myself and everybody says go out into nature. I'm not sure what I found. I caught myself looking at trees like a pretentious dude at an art exhibit, even had my drink in hand (just a water bottle, but nonetheless). I didn't really realize anything profound. I think maybe I'm prone to worry, so much so that my default thought processes deal with my worries, anything else is extraneous.

The only time I was lost in thought was imagining terrible things occurring, first I imagined a car whizzing around the blind corner and down the hill I was walking up, and me, not having anywhere to turn, standing in dark clothes in the shade of the trees was obviously doomed, the driver whipped the wheel to avoid me but we both had the same idea, heading off the road at the same time. He didn't hit me, luckily, but I fell into a briar bush and had to crawl out through it into the creek below.

The next thing my imagination drew up was more cars driving into me, and then I heard the birds chirping and crickets, and they sounded to me like they had all been looking over the hills at the amber sky and began celebrating, "Guys, look, we did it! We made it through another one!" That made me feel pretty big, I mean, they were all worried about dying today, and here I was waltzing through during their celebration, ready for anything, I could fight any one of them off, no problem. But then my imagination served up that they all came for me. How many would be too much? Their beaks would be so sharp, and what if each were sharper than I imagined?

Cars continued to pass, none killed me, so I continued to walk past the fences and driveways, under foliage overgrown and yet-to-be-cut by the DOT, it was so pretty, it truly did make me feel maybe a bit small. I have been to the Red Woods, that made me feel pretty small, also made me feel a little uncomfortable around other people, but this experience was better than would have been the case had I stayed inside. I don't know what is important to say, I'm just putting things together.

But an idea struck me just before the point that I determined to be my turn-around point. I of course was still walking, and hoping to have some thoughts, revelations, but felt very dull, only considering maybe the reason for my dullness was that the Me that I'm searching for (that isn't in a funk) didn't really want to go for such a long walk and I had only done so on my father's request. I wondered if I hadn't really done it for myself.

Then I came to the trees, and the only revelation I had was thinking about my relationship with trees. Not really being a tree-hugger, I still find myself having a very strong emotional connection to them. I used to climb them growing up, and when the tree in my childhood home was chopped down this past year, I didn't cry, but I felt something that wasn't refreshing.

Maybe all of that time I had spent climbing trees, wasn't really just me climbing, but playing with the tree as if it were a friend, pulling it's limbs like kids poke and pull on each other, and learning how it played back. The trees I climbed I can picture, they have a personality. I don't know what types of trees they were, but I could picture the shape of their limbs like I picture my childhood friends. There was a weeping willow in the backyard of my grandfather's house growing up, and I always used to think it was the most beautiful thing in the world, both it and my grandfather are gone.

Again, I don't know what matters here, I'm just putting things together. Alright, I'll talk more tomorrow. Rest well.

(P.S. "Internetizen" is a phrase I heard from someone that I liked, Internet-Denizen, pretty much describes me)

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