the Relaxidaisical Blog

I have had to reconsider a lot over the past few years and i've come to terms with the fact that I don't really like myself. A lot of people struggle to love themselves and that fact almost feels insulting because somewhere in my head I've rationalized that I self-hate to protect other people. I'm sure that feeling self-righteous in self-hatred is essentially the neurotic narcissists Nutcracker ballet. I've spent a lot of time trying to end that show, but the show must go on and on, and there's always an encore, a Q&A with the director after the show, and a show every night.

I have noticed though that when I look inside myself things turn to chaos. I fixate on my emotions and I get sucked up into them, because that's all vacuums do, and that's all emotions are; so I've determined that your self concept, in terms of emotions, doesn't matter at all if you can learn to think with your actions. I've been panicky for the past few days, I'…

The birds seemed determined to spend the early morning being particularly noisy, so much so that Charles May couldn't sleep. A nest sat outside the window of his apartment perched high up in a tree--not really so high--just high enough that droppings could fall on patrons of the open-air coffee shop that hissed and murmured below on the street, without them ever seeing their assailants.
        Whether due to a general lack of awareness or a particularly busy mind, Charles hadn't much thought about the birds before now, but as he lay in bed with nothing to do but wait for the sun and coffee shop gate to come up he found that he'd never heard them at all. The early morning fog was cold and must have made them weak, wondering if they would be okay, he went on under the thought that "animals would do as they would do".    
        Charles would normally wake up before a 7 o'clock alarm he only set out of habit on the rare case he would have a full nigh…

I woke up today at 5 o'clock and scrolled through Instagram, checked Reddit, my email, read through a script one of my friends wrote for fun, and read a bit of a book while thinking through my day. Early morning is the time for thought, not action, the world doesn't move at 5 am, and so my usually-anxious mind makes the rest of things move at its pace––that makes it the ideal 'me-time'. Imagine living with NO expectations for you to do anything whatsoever, that's what 5 am is; you learn about yourself at 5 am.

Side note, I'm also a hypocrite. I've been reading The Maze Runner series because I missed that bus in high school. But I read the first book in two days and stayed up to finish it, buying the second one on my Kindle at 3am a few days ago because some things feel more important in the moment than habit building––we can be habitual and impulsive, but a lack of sleep and the convenience of Amazon will influence that balance. Anyway, I'm half-way thr…

I think I'm getting off my phone for a while.

It's been a very lazy Saturday afternoon, one spent almost entirely in a funk--which has become increasingly the norm more than ever, alarmingly. Usually what I do in the midst of a funk is while casually ignoring it, allow myself to go about my day and wonder about all of the reasons I could have ended up in this place. A smarter version of myself would have answers from a much more articulated self-awareness, but I tend to fall towards either grandiosity or triviality, which is to say, "I'm just the biggest piece of trash, is why..." or "Well if you hadn't skipped breakfast, you'd be fine...".

Stomach mumbling away to itself, I went along through my usual morning, having my usual scripted back-and-forth with my dad; him laying out the things I would need to do today, things I would lose track of and inevitably skip doing once it was too late for me to both do them and arrive on time to my early app…

Hear me out, I'm not a fan of Amy Schumer. Once upon a time I found her comedy fun, I thought her show was nice because she has always had an agreeable personality that resonates with me; she's not aggressive or overbearing, or at least she wasn't. But through her rise to fame she's descended into inanity, her jokes are a combination of strange noises and faces as if she were entertaining a baby, and contrastingly talking about her genitals as if it were edgy. She's grown away from my interests, but to each their own if you still enjoy her comedy.

That being said, today I found a thread in my Twitter Moments just tearing apart her new movie, "I Feel Pretty". If you haven't watched the trailer for it, you can watch it now if you want better context. The plot synopsis is this, a girl has the same self-esteem issues with her body that so many people have, she aggressively exercises to lose weight and ends up falling off a bike and hitting her head, causi…

Hey, welcome to my home.
I'm an introvert so it is maybe unsurprising that I spend most of my time on the internet, sometimes I wish I didn't, sometimes I wonder how different I would have been had my entire generation not grown up around technology. Introverts would not have the internet to turn to for validation of their interests and curiosities, we'd sink-or-swim-style make friendships in the real world and have to re-calibrate with books instead of twitter threads. I read now, but I used to read a lot more when I was younger. The relationship I had with book characters I now feel for my computer. Unhealthy? Probably. How much smarter would I have been if I had to read books instead of random posts online? Probably a lot.

Anyway, today is unofficially World Introvert Day and I'm writing this at 12 am on the floor of my bedroom wrapped in a brand new king-sized Sherpa comforter, and it is, my friends, very comforting indeed; certainly the perfect way to celebrate t…