I woke up today at 5 o'clock and scrolled through Instagram, checked Reddit, my email, read through a script one of my friends wrote for fun, and read a bit of a book while thinking through my day. Early morning is the time for thought, not action, the world doesn't move at 5 am, and so my usually-anxious mind makes the rest of things move at its pace––that makes it the ideal 'me-time'. Imagine living with NO expectations for you to do anything whatsoever, that's what 5 am is; you learn about yourself at 5 am. Side note, I'm also a hypocrite. I've been reading The Maze Runner series because I missed that bus in high school. But I read the first book in two days and stayed up to finish it, buying the second one on my Kindle at 3am a few days ago because some things feel more important in the moment than habit building––we can be habitual and impulsive, but a lack of sleep and the convenience of Amazon will influence that balance. Anyway, I'm half-way
I think I'm getting off my phone for a while. It's been a very lazy Saturday afternoon, one spent almost entirely in a funk--which has become increasingly the norm more than ever, alarmingly. Usually what I do in the midst of a funk is while casually ignoring it, allow myself to go about my day and wonder about all of the reasons I could have ended up in this place. A smarter version of myself would have answers from a much more articulated self-awareness, but I tend to fall towards either grandiosity or triviality, which is to say, "I'm just the biggest piece of trash, is why..." or "Well if you hadn't skipped breakfast, you'd be fine...". Stomach mumbling away to itself, I went along through my usual morning, having my usual scripted back-and-forth with my dad; him laying out the things I would need to do today, things I would lose track of and inevitably skip doing once it was too late for me to both do them and arrive on time to my early